You're right my dear, alot of it involves knives, I think it's what founded my odd liking for them. Heh, you ask if I was dead inside at one time... You.. you might be scared if I told ya. I lost myself for a long time. Remeber when I cut? I did that, partially, to stay me. It's the only way I could feel something, anything. Emotions, feelings, I was devoid of them. When I cut, I knew I was still alive, still on this earth and not in some terrible hell. I just.. wanted to feel.. Pain still does loom in me, but you aleviate it.. you just.. your presence sweeps across me like a sweet wind, blowing away the smell of the festering pain that dwelled deep inside. (notice the past tense there).
When I cut, I had many reasons really. I explained one above, I needed it to make sure I was still here. When you stop feeling everything, love for your parents, hate for your rapists, lonesomeness faded away, love hate fear, just everything faded, till I was just a shell, and cutting, let me escape that. I cut myself to control pain as well. I felt, if I had so much pain in my life. I could at least control some of it. Pain has kind of lost it's edge on me. I think, the only real pain I feel anymore is my heart, my mind.. just all my soul when you aren't around, or when Im worried about you.
All truths be told though, I rather like pain again, but like you not in the same way. I love the feeling of your nails digging into me, or your teeth sinking into me. It feels like we can't connect anymore at that point, sharing everything, love and pain, and all in the most wonderous of ways.
Oh, and my thoughts on bondage.
I was thinking about it the other day, and I think I can explain why I like it. It's all the excitement of being in a sexual situation, where you have no control,while being in the hands of a loved one, who you know, no matter how hard the bondage is, is still being tender and loving and carefull. I don't know if Im right, that just seemed to make sense to me.
I'd love to hear your secret. please, do tell. Im more than ready.
Sometimes love is like winter snow... think about it...